So Here I am....2 days out from my birthday. 31 years old. Wow
When I was young I had this impending doom that I'd never live to see 25. I thought I'd be dead and gone by 21 if we're being honest. I know it sounds strange to say having come from a church upbringing, I'm sure not many people with the same background would have ever thought that but I did.
Why? Because I grew up in a house where our existence was just appearances. Very much so smoke and mirrors.
An absentee father who left and never looked back when I was 18 months old. A mother who resented me for "ruining her life" her words not mine, and multiple (4) step dad's by the time I was 17 and getting married myself.
I spent my whole life trying to make up for being born, always trying to be the very best. Always taking everything dished at me in quiet fury pushed way down deep inside.
I thought for sure that my mother would either one day go too far and accidentally kill me or I would eventually get beyond tired of it all and just do it myself.
The only thing that kept me here was my sister. I tried my very best to protect her from what I dealt with but luckily (and I'm being completely genuine) she was planned and she was wanted. It saved her from a lot of the things I had to handle, I was grateful for that.
She was such a good little sister, she'd come play with me when I was grounded, which was A LOT, she'd cry, and beg for our mother to stop. She'd never fall in line with the rest of the house when I was being given the silent treatment for weeks on end. It was so hard for her. She was always loyal to me and, that kept me here on this earth and gave me the strength to do it all over again the next day. I could never leave her here alone or let her down like that, I had to look after her!
I'm glad I stayed!
I've been through my fair share of crap. What I would have missed if I was gone though....
I was married and blessed with 3 AMAZING children! Another reason to stick around when I felt things to be so hopeless.
I got my college degree as a single mom of 3 with little help from others. Even with all that was on my plate even my teacher's didn't think I'd make it to the end!
I am married again to someone who truly sees ME flaws and all and still thinks he's the luckiest guy around, even when I'm a witch!
My sister gave me a nephew who warms my heart at his love for his cousins and myself. He makes me believe that the world is still more good than bad.
My sister is my best, and only TRUE friend who would be there to have my back any time I needed it, just like the loyal little girl sneaking in to just hug me when things were really bad.
I faced cancer, and didn't let it scare me.
All stuff I am so grateful for.
I've learned a ton too!
No matter how much you love someone you can't love them enough to be loved back.
Find humor in life, and being able to laugh at yourself will definitely keep you sane!
Be loyal even if you never have it returned. You will be rewarded for it eventually.
When you get kicked in the teeth by life and it's circumstances, GET BACK UP, the longer you stay down the more you miss out on!
God always rewards those who keep going. Even when it's so hard that your knee's are buckling under the strain of it all, keep going! Your reward will outshine those dark spots!
Be grateful for everyday, even the not so good ones. They all contribute to shaping your character!
Don't take crap for the sake of saving an argument. Stand up for yourself because if you don't no one else will.
Don't willingly let people walk all over you or take advantage of you. Eventually you will become bitter and a life is not truly lived if it's in a bitter spirit.
I still live with a hole that my parent's should have filled, and struggle with the lasting effects of not being loved by my parents. So don't get me wrong I'm not Mary Sunshine, with motivational fortune cookie inserts that I spew to be inspirational. That's not the case and I truly don't think people should ever emulate my life cause I'm sure most people can do better. But I do know that if you keep getting up, things will eventually get better. You really can overcome any obstacle that you are facing, you just have to want it bad enough. I'm quite stubborn, so being "defiant" and proving people wrong is easy for me! LOL
So with the 10 years I've accumulated past what I ever envisioned for myself I'd like to think that I'm doing ok. It's been a bumpy road. I've won some and I've lost some. There's been great heart breaks and losses. But by the grace of God I'm still here standing after all that and I'm looking forward to the next 10 years and what they too will bring!
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