Are you kidding me...?

I was watching Doctor Phil today on TV and he was with a couple that was in dire need of a smack upside the head! The Husband had cheated on his wife with 78 different women, while she continued to "feed him his dinner, lay out his pyjamas, put toothpaste on his tooth brush along with putting out a little cup of mouth wash" and then proceeded to "make love to him" all while knowing he's had sex with atleast one other woman that day possibly more.

I sat there staring at the TV in total disbelief that this actually happens in the world. What the heck?!?!

So here's my topic for discussion, cheating, abuse, and other relationship killers!

As a 30 year old woman who chose to walk away from the Lord for a long period of time I'll tell you right now I have seen and been party to alot of bad, stupid, crap!

I, after a not so great child hood, became a mom at the tender age of 17. Knowing that this would definetly set me free and get me out of there, it seemed like a good idea at the time. My daughters father and I (he was 20) decided we'd get married and make a go of it. So when most people were graduating from high school (Like I was supposed to of been) I was being a wife and a mother.

This is where my start to my long journey away and then back from/to the Lord started (I won't go into too much detail about this now, but be sure I'll tell you about it another time!)

It's a funny place to be when you no longer hold Christ at your center. Your self worth is the first thing to go. If you're like me, guilt is a good buddy of yours about any and everything, and that is such a destructive and worthless emotion!

So imagine if you will a young girl of 17 married with a baby, no education, no job and reliant on my 20 year old husband. I lost most of my friends which would be an obvious reaction to a teen pregnancy. I started to become a recluse, defined by my little family and believing that I should be so grateful that I didn't have to raise this baby alone. That was when my self worth started to go down the toilet, and man it took almost 13 years to get it back!

The other half of my marriage really didn't have to change much about himself or his life, he still went to work, he still had his friends, other than the fact that he now supported 2 people his life was pretty much the same. Oh how different our worlds were.

I think that he started to think secretly too that I owed him for sticking around, for financially supporting me and our daughter and the year and half he had spent pursuing me, trying to win my heart, was long over. He had me now and I was his.

To be honest for the first few years we didn't argue much, there were only a few huge things that had happened that were significantly memorable in the down turn of our relationship.

In the dawning age of the internet, and chat rooms, I had found friends out there, random people to chat with once and a while, so I'd feel less lonely during the day while the baby napped and my few friends were at school or work. Well with it working to my benefit it was working to his as well, for when I was sleeping. I wasn't a computer whiz, which has always left me to wonder why I was able to stumble across the things I did (because he was), chats and pictures that were definetly not becoming of a married man!

Don't get me wrong, I don't want you to think that I was this push over of a girl. I was loud and mouthy and feisty and would stick up for myself. So words were definetly had! With apologies and promises, I forgave and moved on. I believed that 1 as a christian woman and coming from a multiple times broken home that it was my duty to keep this family together at all costs. and 2 that atleast it wasn't in person or for real, as much as it hurt me, he knew now not to do it again. Silly me!

It wasn't the last time I'd come across things I did not like, or catch the man I loved in lie after lie. I kept on keeping on, the wife I'd never seen growing up. Forgive, turn the other cheek. Move on. until weeks after my second daughter was born.

As much as I understand the pressure that was on his shoulders to support his now 3 girls the fighting started to grow more frequent. I was now 20 years old and had been married for 3 years and had 2 girls that needed me for EVERYTHING so I knew pressure, trust me! We just seemed to handle it differently and after a yelling match in front of the 2 kids (my oldest 3 the youngest a few weeks old and me still very uncomfortable after a very hard labour) I turned my back to get a diaper and got shoved so hard I couldn't breathe, I thought maybe my back was broken. I couldn't believe it! What had just happened?!?! Being no stranger to the hands of abuse I FREAKED and slapped him which received me a punch in the face! I started screaming "you promised me! you promised you'd never put your hands on me!" He cried and begged me to forgive him, and in the end I did.

By the time we were married for 5 years we had had a son, our final child. We also bought a house, just a few months after the boy turned 1, with help from his parents, I guess all in hope that this would make our life better. I know I was miserable, and he had to of been to continue on with other women and not put the time and effort into his wife and children. As you see the fact that I loved him, desired him and would do anything for him didn't overcome his own insecurities, seeking out inappropriate approval from other women became a normal thing for me to stumble across every 6-8 months. How many times I pointed out that I always found out so stop with the lying, all to fall on deaf ears, thinking that "this time I'll be sneakier, she won't find out....this time" All the while more and more of me slowly dying inside. The minimal physical violence towards me and my child was the straw that broke the camels back. It was a fight with me where this time I called the police and there was no turning back. I would NOT be a victim anymore, I would not allow my daughters to think that to be treated like garbage and hurt was normal or my son to think it ok to treat a woman the way I'd allowed myself to be treated their whole lives, all in the name of being a good christian wife (who smoked, swore, didn't go to church, still believed but didn't live it)....this was my logic. Of all the things I could and couldn't do I had to keep my family together even if it killed us all.....how warped!

We have now been divorced for 5 years after 10 years together. This was so hard for me, I begged people to help me fix my marriage, him included. I was never going to divorce, it just wasn't right! God didn't want that, and I wasn't like the family I came from, and I wasn't going to create broken children! I also wasn't going to give all the people who told us we would never last an I told you so! I only got one I told you so, and that in itself is another story....for another day!

Now newly remarried I look back and think man What the heck? But I'll tell you right now I learned SO MUCH! I was just a child, 17 years old not having lived long enough to stop my life from becoming what it did. Now that I am back with the Lord being my center I see things very clearly now and see it all around me now, bringing me back to this couple on Dr Phil.

That Family needs Christ, That husband needs to learn that he needs to love his wife as Christ loves his church! Not destroy the woman he vowed before God to always put before himself and Love. But that woman also needs to learn that God does not under any circumstances expect you to allow yourself to be treated like less than a speck of dirt.

Do you think God would send his only son to die for someone not worth anything? Heck no! What a waste that would be!

Now don't get me wrong I'm not saying hey go out and divorce your spouse cause they've had a bad day and weren't very nice to you. But I am telling you this! If your husband does not place God as number 1 (which if he's abusive in any manner to you, he hasn't) God does not say too bad for you sit there and take it, get beat or mentally abused or emotionally scarred. Yes you can pray and hope that your husband will see the light, as some people would say you should do, but to live there and continue to take a beating. NO.

God expects us to help ourselves, he is not there to do everything for us. You may not have to get divorced. Perhaps for safety you can separate and put space between yourselves, and pray for your husband. In all things pray for God to reveal His will in your life!

Know this, God calls you his daughter (or son as women aren't always the abused) he is THE KING which makes you a Princess (prince) of the most high. It is not ok to be someone's doormat, That is not why God put you on this earth.

Also just so you know, IF there was a way to make my first marriage work, I would have. I don't agree with Divorce and it's not an option in my world under normal circumstances. With that being said I believe that all of these things needed to happen to bring me to my knees and to cry out to God in earnest, and to recommit my life to Him. My life would not have taken the downward spiral it did when everything I had known since I was 16 was now gone at 26 and I had to raise 3 kids by myself.  I don't believe that I'd have been able to come back to the Lord. I would have remained hardened to His love and the ways he wanted me to go, had I stayed with my ex husband. Being with my current (and only/last) husband, has given me support I haven't known since I don't even remember when. He has been such a champion for me and although it's all new to him he wants to learn.

Sometimes we get in our own way, But I believe that once we surrender ourselves to God's will, All the junk we've accumulated due to our bad choices God makes right, and puts us back on the right path. I believe that God saw me try so very hard to honor my vows despite the terrible things. I believe that he knows my sorrow in the dissolving of that family, and my desire to be forgiven for not being stronger, or able to magically fix things, and I am now where I am supposed to be because He knows my heart, and has forgiven me and like the loving father that he is, showed me the right path that I need to get back on to!

The problem within the Family

Just my thoughts....it is not a right of passage for a kid to be a jerk, nor is it a right of passage for them to be disrespectful to their parents. It is NOT ok for a child to "hate" their parent when said parent has clothed fed and loved them their whole life. It's not a normal thing to be in constant conflict with your teenager and it is NOT ok for you to throw up your hands and say its too hard... and give up. That is never ok! YOU are the parent, and it is your job to fight tooth and nail for them even when it's so hard it physically hurts you.

God trusted you to be their parent, not their bro, so act like it! Tell them no, put high expectations on them, NEVER make excuses for them, no matter what the limitation or situation is. Know where they are, with whom, at all times. Be a part of what they love and NEVER make excuses for why you let them down or failed them. 

 

The bills will still be there if tomorrow comes, but what if it doesn't come for one of you? Never put financial comfort before the love and respect of your children. "Stuff" will not build character, money won't buy it either, but love and support and genuine concern for them and everything they are, do, want to do and have done will go farther than the newest iPad or cell phone.

I've been the broken kid, I still struggle with this daily as a 30 year old woman, and now am the mom of a (almost) 13 year old. I don't forget being that kid, but I learned from it. It has helped me be stronger in areas so many parents take for granted, or think their kids "understand", and for that I am so greatful!

Although I don't have all the answers I trust God to give me the ones I need when I need them, I believe that it will not always be easy, but God always makes it worth it. In the end I truly look forward to seeing the works God has started in each of my kids flourish and grow, the ultimate gift given to any parent. 

Again, just my thoughts.....

A bit of my testimony.

Today after a great day of bible study, home-schooling and music lessons While I was putting dinner in the oven I founnd myself looking back on the last 13 years of my "career" as a mother.

Right from the start I've had people in my life who felt the need to point out how they would be or are a better parent than I am. They would over look the earth shattering love for my childern to nit pick at... the things I did/didn't do.

ANYONE who knows me knows 2 things, 1 that it is a given that I would die for my kids, without question or hesitation, and 2 the only way to truly hurt me is by telling me that I am a bad mom.

After all the terrible discusting things I've been through in my life, they were and still are everyday the best thing I've ever done, the most beautiful part of my life and my reward for something I don't think I could ever earn, and YET I allowed those negative, hurtful people to cause me to question wether or not I actually was a good mom!?!

I struggled for years with depression, heart wrenching, hollow insides, hate myself depression, my only reason for breathing my children. I also have suffered for approximately 10 years with fibromyalgia, which limits me to things I can and can't do, but more so in the last 2-3 years. I've also been told I have precancer cells more than once, which believe me get's old! All of which I was alone in, I didn't have support, I had people pointing out what a failure those things were (Until my fantastic husband of course) to my children.

I'm going to get to my point right quick here just bear with me. So I was thinking today what a huge transformation, within my family, has taken place in the last 2 months. More so the last 2-3 weeks. I came to realize that the hurt and hate and hollowness the doubt I so easily felt in myself was because I didn't have Christ in my life. Because today I thought to myself, "self....you still have fibro and chronic fatigue. You still have issues in your body that restricted you before, YET look at the things around you! Look at all the Lord has given you the strength to do!" (Phillipians 4:13)

My kids don't fight non stop anymore, I spend time with them and I enjoy it immensely where before there were days I dreaded the things they needed me to do, even conversations were hard at times. They are truly happy like I've never seen. I pulled my kids out of a school that I stayed in this miserable town for, to then find a church to stay for and to do something I NEVER in a million years would think someone with fibro, Chronic fatigue, and frequent migraines could do....Teach 3 children!?! I have been going non stop and had them with me more often than not and I'm not rippping my hair out and it's not white like I thought it may very well end up being very quickly after our decision to completely follow Christ's desires for our family and to home school them.

My point is this. My love was never enough to clean up the mess that was my life. I loved my kids more than anything but that didn't erase all the pain inside me. My Love was never enough but The love of God, of Jesus, The immense Love that was proven and continues to be proven, THAT my friends most certainly is and always will be enough (John 3:16)

I brought my mess to the foot of the cross, having known better all along, knowing that all that mess was my own doing. Decisions I made, YET Jesus took it all, all that mess, all the garbage and traded me. He filled up the hollowness, he gave me love and acceptance and not once pointed out how badly I've failed, as a daughter to Him who has always been faithful, keeping me safe in the stupid positions I'd place myself in when I truly didn't care if I lived or died. He gave me a fresh start even though I didn't deserve it. Even though I had done such stupid things, even though I had known his love and chose to walk away from it time and again. I still look back and think, "DUH! what were you thinking?"

 

Jesus says there is not one thing you can confess that I can't forgive. There's not one thing in your life that you have done that hasn't already been paid the ultimate price for. Not one thing that you can tell me that will make me LOVE you less! Jesus made sure that we would always have access to the heavenly Father by giving his very life for us. What love and grace! Who do you know right now who can say that to you and mean it? If I, someone who has known almost my whole life, the love of God, can walk way and still be welcomed home by my Father, you can be too! I encourage you to renew and strengthen your realtionship with your Father if you have one, If not please let me pray for/with you and introduce you to your Father the King!