I guess it's been a while?

I suppose it's been a while since I've had much to say, or maybe perhaps it's that I've had a lot to say but little time in which to say it. 

The reason my time has been so limited, besides homeschooling 3 children, is that God called me into full time, and then some, ministry. 

Agape Thrift Store and Community Outreach was born in October 2015 and had originally had a team of two. Myself and another woman from my church. Things all fell into place nicely and off we were to the races. December 1 being our first official day open to the public. 

Unfortunately at the same time that renovations on our new space were happening, doing some medical tests to look at something else ended up finding something we weren't looking for. 

I got called into walk in clinic by the ER's on call doctor who had run the tests on me and he looked at me straight faced "so, it looks like you have whats called Sarcoidosis or Lymphoma..." he quickly followed up with it is likely the first one I mentioned and you can follow up with your family doctor once you get these tests done to determine which you have. No, I'm sorry, no have a nice day not even a don't let the door hit you in the arse on your way out.  

What could I do? I left and went home thinking okay, now what? Google of course! so I'm reading about the one I likely have, reading and reading and I'm thinking holy crap this sounds pretty rough, like people die from this.... Bernie Mac the comedian died from this!

In that moment I shut down. My family could not understand the magnitude of what we were facing, so I played it off as no big deal and said let's not worry until we get tests done. Pat and I chuckled having heard sarcoidosis as a possible diagnosis so many of times on House, but it was never actually that. So thanks Dr. House you didn't help this time.

Have no fear though turned out that as soon as my Dr got the xrays and test results he was suddenly calling every phone number he could find for me to get me into that clinic ASAP, I knew it wasn't good news, he wasn't usually so urgent. I agreed to come in right away but stopped to get him a cupcake because I knew this was going to be hard for him and cupcakes just make things better.

Having watched too many Grey's anatomy episodes lymphoma had ceased to be as serious a word as it should be in a real life circumstance and so he said your blood work has ruled out everything but Lymphoma.....looking at me.... and I'm like okay and that is....like CANCER LYMPHOMA?? light bulb turned on and I then swore at him and started to cry (I apologized for swearing). Looking into his eyes I knew that it was hard for him and he said but Kate your blood work looks good, I'm confident it is not that, but we'll have to do a lung biopsy to be sure that it's Sarc vs Lymphoma.

Long story short all they were able to do was rule out cancer, but not confirm Sarc except by all the clinical symptoms.

So here I was called to ministry, but all the doctors wanted me to lay down and be sick. I prayed, I bargained, I cried, I was frustrated. I truly didn't understand why things were happening the way they were. In the end, like any other time in my life when it would have been easier, smarter, logical to just lay down, I didn't. I went to work, I dragged myself. People coming in asking me if I was ok and me smiling and saying I'm just tired.

So the doors opened in December and my "partner" was gone by April, leaving me less than $500 in the bank account, and a big ol' F You. To this day I still have no idea what the heck happened, I've heard stories though, from Customers. How embarrassing really. Such a lovely way to portray Christianity to people who already think we're all a bunch of hypocrites anyway. 

As hurt as I was, the show MUST go on, and on it went. I hired someone, then fired them, then hired someone else, to fire them too. I then hired another lady who was good at her job, the store was always clean, organized but things had slowed down. I couldn't afford to continue to pay her her full time wage, so at first I cut her hours and unfortunately I eventually had to lay her off as I couldn't afford to pay her and help people which was always the real point.

That left me, and in turn my oldest kid as the only ones that would work and that we did. It was a tough go, her in school me struggling with my health. In the end we made it work and here we are, now there are 3 of us that work the 6 day weeks in a new location that had allowed us to expand substantially store front wise, while also allowing for us to expand our programming to further serve the community. 

Agape means Perfect Love in greek, the only perfect love is God's love and so in doing what we do for the community, we hope that we offer even a sliver of his love to those who we come into contact with everyday. Whether it be customers, clients or donators, we hope they leave feeling cared for and appreciated.

I have more to say, but there needed to be some updating and ground work laid for the next post, or anyone who isn't a part of my life or my facebook friend would be lost in much of what was to come next. Please feel free to stay tuned.

Broken and Lost little girl.

You know when people start a story with "back when I was a kid...." and you picture them as a little kid and the story plays out. Sometimes what you picture and what is real is a very different story.

I say when I was a kid but, I mean physically a kid because I don't ever truly remember a time where some form of responsibility wasn't placed on my shoulders. My mom was a single mom having left my birth father for good when I was 18 months old (from what I'm told) I don't remember being two, but I remember stuff from being three. My mom dated and I remember a few of the guys. I remember one who looked similar to my uncle Dan, (from what I remembered as he lived in the states and wasn't around much) I remembered one who looked just like Alex Trebec from Jeopardy, and I remember my sister's dad.

I remember always knowing that that wasn't my dad, and I remember even they saying make sure you take care of your mom. From the time of 3 it was drilled into my head that I was supposed to take care of my mother (not the other way around oddly) and soon I was taking care of an ever growing bellied mom. My sister was on her way!

My sister was known to all as "our baby" (mine and my mom's) before she was born. If people didn't know better and the way I was regarding her you'd think I put her there myself. I was taught right away that it was my job to be a good big sister and take care of the baby. (my mom didn't know it was a girl, but I did!)

So now at 4 years old I had two people to take care of because that was my job. I loved that furry little baby like nothing else, even though I did stupid stuff like dump a cup of cold water on her to see what she'd do while we were playing in my bedroom. (she was sitting in her car seat watching me play really)

I look back. No dad, and the role as care giver placed on me. I don't wonder why I am the way I am, I get it BUT it still shocks the crap out of me that people that claim to know me don't get it.

I have spent my whole life looking for somewhere to belong. Some where that I didn't have to always be the strong one, some where I could go that I could be the kid and not the parent, that I had someone love me unconditionally and have "parents" that I could rely on no matter what. I'm 31 now......

When I was 17 and got married I truly looked forward to getting in-laws. Finally I'd have a family that I could belong to.......OR NOT.....

I would have been a daddy's girl had I been given the opportunity, and I was excited about my father in law to be. I also always wanted an older sister and although I had my step sisters they were both on their way out of Alberta in a hurry, and of course A mom. you can't even understand..... Unfortunately this was not to be the case. I wasn't accepted, loved or respected, I was just the gold digger 17 year old looking for a free ride through life that trapped my then husband and ruined his life.

Alright then. I've tried to fit in to friends family's and get their mom's to love me like them, not gonna happen. I've tried to make my own family from people I love, but that too just proves how much I mean family and most others don't.

I've married again and although I love my in-laws to death (fantastic people truly) they are a different kind of people than me. I can still see them squirm under my I love you's LOL.

If you've never been from a broken home you'll have no idea on how to identify with what I struggle with even now. 31 years old and I still long to have a mom who wants to take care of me for once. (not that I need taking care of, but just to know it was available)

Please understand that I take comfort in my Heavenly Father, His love is what has truly gotten me through the small earthly presence I've had off and on through my life in the parent department. With that being said, when you fall, or you have your heart shattered, or you're sick, you long for more than the solace of a spiritual Father. You want someone to hold your hand when you're scared, or kiss your owie better, something physical, someone you can physically see. Maybe that makes me a bad Christian. I don't know, God's not finished with me yet.

I don't know if my sister fights with this same issue, I tried my best to fill in the gaps of a mom for her while she was growing up, I was however, not her mother, I was only her sister. Maybe she does feel this, I'm not sure but my sister has always been a lot harder than me. She doesn't let things get to her, or at least doesn't let it show. I know she carries her own broken little girl in her some where too. I hope that I was a help to that little girl because I knew what it was like.

I've been having a hard time lately with the expectations I place on others. I find it extremely hard when people do not value our relationship as much as I do. (this happens ALLLLLLLL the time.) And I'm not sure what to do about it. I only know how to love you 110% or none. People and their 50% investment drive me bananas! My husband gets mad all the time cause I just want to stay at home in my bed left alone. But why keep putting myself out there giving when it leaves me with a deficit? Why is it hard to see how much disappointment I'm constantly pasting my fake smile over? Why is it so hard for people to be as good of a friend, to you, as you are to them?

I need a cupcake :(

Happy Birthday to Me! A relfection on the last 31 years.

So Here I am....2 days out from my birthday. 31 years old. Wow

When I was young I had this impending doom that I'd never live to see 25. I thought I'd be dead and gone by 21 if we're being honest. I know it sounds strange to say having come from a church upbringing, I'm sure not many people with the same background would have ever thought that but I did.

Why? Because I grew up in a house where our existence was just appearances. Very much so smoke and mirrors.

An absentee father who left and never looked back when I was 18 months old. A mother who resented me for "ruining her life" her words not mine, and multiple (4) step dad's by the time I was 17 and getting married myself.

I spent my whole life trying to make up for being born, always trying to be the very best. Always taking everything dished at me in quiet fury pushed way down deep inside.

I thought for sure that my mother would either one day go too far and accidentally kill me or I would eventually get beyond tired of it all and just do it myself.

The only thing that kept me here was my sister. I tried my very best to protect her from what I dealt with but luckily (and I'm being completely genuine) she was planned and she was wanted. It saved her from a lot of the things I had to handle, I was grateful for that.

She was such a good little sister, she'd come play with me when I was grounded, which was A LOT, she'd cry, and beg for our mother to stop. She'd never fall in line with the rest of the house when I was being given the silent treatment for weeks on end. It was so hard for her. She was always loyal to me and, that kept me here on this earth and gave me the strength to do it all over again the next day. I could never leave her here alone or let her down like that, I had to look after her!

I'm glad I stayed!

I've been through my fair share of crap. What I would have missed if I was gone though....

I was married and blessed with 3 AMAZING children! Another reason to stick around when I felt things to be so hopeless.

I got my college degree as a single mom of 3 with little help from others. Even with all that was on my plate even my teacher's didn't think I'd make it to the end!

I am married again to someone who truly sees ME flaws and all and still thinks he's the luckiest guy around, even when I'm a witch!

My sister gave me a nephew who warms my heart at his love for his cousins and myself. He makes me believe that the world is still more good than bad.

My sister is my best, and only TRUE friend who would be there to have my back any time I needed it, just like the loyal little girl sneaking in to just hug me when things were really bad.

I faced cancer, and didn't let it scare me.

All stuff I am so grateful for.

I've learned a ton too!

No matter how much you love someone you can't love them enough to be loved back.

Find humor in life, and being able to laugh at yourself will definitely keep you sane!

Be loyal even if you never have it returned. You will be rewarded for it eventually.

When you get kicked in the teeth by life and it's circumstances, GET BACK UP, the longer you stay down the more you miss out on!

God always rewards those who keep going. Even when it's so hard that your knee's are buckling under the strain of it all, keep going! Your reward will outshine those dark spots!

Be grateful for everyday, even the not so good ones. They all contribute to shaping your character!

Don't take crap for the sake of saving an argument. Stand up for yourself because if you don't no one else will.

Don't willingly let people walk all over you or take advantage of you. Eventually you will become bitter and a life is not truly lived if it's in a bitter spirit.

I still live with a hole that my parent's should have filled, and struggle with the lasting effects of not being loved by my parents. So don't get me wrong I'm not Mary Sunshine, with motivational fortune cookie inserts that I spew to be inspirational. That's not the case and I truly don't think people should ever emulate my life cause I'm sure most people can do better. But I do know that if you keep getting up, things will eventually get better. You really can overcome any obstacle that you are facing, you just have to want it bad enough. I'm quite stubborn, so being "defiant" and proving people wrong is easy for me! LOL

So with the 10 years I've accumulated past what I ever envisioned for myself I'd like to think that I'm doing ok. It's been a bumpy road. I've won some and I've lost some. There's been great heart breaks and losses. But by the grace of God I'm still here standing after all that and I'm looking forward to the next 10 years and what they too will bring!

When Saints Forget...

I've been thinking a lot lately about what kept me away from church for so long when I walked away.

It truly was church I had an issue with. I NEVER once said I hate God or decided that he didn't exist or anything of the sort, I knew he was there, I knew he was watching me, but I didn't necessarily care. I walked around daily with the guilt of knowing I was sinning everyday, but was still determined to live my life my way.

My problem was the institution known as the church. Organized religion really didn't sit well with me after my home church turned it's back on me, my newly wedded husband, and our unborn child. Wouldn't it be the same for most people? Yes it is.

God is great! He is so Good, but his "body" could use A LOT of help, Which brings me to my title for this post, When Saints forget.....

The word “saint” comes from the Greek word hagios, which means “consecrated to God, holy, sacred, pious."

God calls us his saints. BUT before you were saved, were you still a saint? whether you were raised from birth in a church, were saved as a child like I was (9 years old) or not till a teen or adult, you were a sinner! News flash, you are STILL a sinner! Even now as a saint, you still fall short of God's glory daily!

Good News!!!

Amazing isn't it? Me who is fully aware that I do not under any circumstance deserve God's grace, received it anyway, and continue to receive it daily!

Ephesians 2:8-9 says: "⁸ For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— ⁹ not by works, so that no one can boast."

It so clearly states that you, nor I earned our salvation, but that God gave it to us as a gift. I love how clear verse 9 is though, not by works. NOT BY WORKS! why? so that not one man can say he is better than another or boast! I LOVE THAT!!!!

With it being so clear, how is it that as God's saints we forget what broken down sinners we'd be without God's Grace?

Who are you to turn your nose up at someone walking through the front doors of your church seeking The Lord? When did your mistakes become meaningless enough for you to be able to afford to judge anyone else?

When did you forget where you came from oh saint of God?

I'll tell you something that I always found HILLARIOUS!!! The minister, of the home church that shunned me, I believe was one of the main reasons for my out and out rejection from my church family (and even my parents for about 6 months). Know what he was before he became a pastor? A raging alcoholic, and a mean one at that. To this day a very proud, arrogant man.

How does that even work? I was a 17 year old kid who fell in love and did things backwards. I got married, I made my peace with God for that, and HE forgave me for that. In the end it didn't matter anymore. I was no longer allowed in the inner circle I had been so actively involved in. My dad a church elder, and was at that church until the day he died, not even that would have allowed me back into the good graces of that church! 

This is why churches die, this is why the world looks at "christians" and thinks, no thanks, I'd rather not. Atleast the world doesn't hide behind a claim of Love. They know that they're on their own out there.

How DARE we not extend grace freely given but so readily take it from our Father, How dare we think somehow that WE deserve it more than the next guy. If you're feeling like you aren't given much grace from other's take a look at how much you've been handing out lately before you start feeling sorry for yourself!

To be like such is to make a mockery of the sacrifice of Gods only son, the Grace that NOT ONE of us will ever earn even if we were given 10 lifetimes to try.

Next time someone new walks into your church, Get off your butt, and do something! Appreciate the gift God has given and show this person what the love of God is all about. YOU may be the one shot for this person, the way they are received by you, by your church, may be the deciding factor on where that person spends their eternity! And you may end up answering for it when you stand in front of your creator the day of your judgment!

Don't ever forget where you came from, because when you do, you forget how much God has blessed you to get you out of that mess and is now enabling you to, through Him, help someone else out of their mess!

Be a saint worth talking about, Be humble enough to allow God to use you to reach the multitude still stuck in the darkness. Be someone who always remembers how great the sacrifice was for you and Don't be a saint who forgets!

This is the Day that the Lord has made

The harder part is the ending of the verse being........ I will rejoice and be glad in it!

It's so hard to rejoice when you are not appreciated. It's not really appreciation that I was seeking today it was just something as simple as do as you are told, and what you know I expect of you today.

My little guys had no desire to have any of that today and I have already broke down in tears once.

We skipped hockey today because I wanted to have a nice stress free day together as family. The game was in another town roughly an hour and 20 minutes from here and the game started at 8:15 am. Second our coach (who doesn't follow this rule himself) expects the players to be there 45 minutes prior to the game starting.....you do the math?? anything to do with 5:30 in the morning in it's self is stressful to me and that would have been enough to ruin my day.

So we decided to forgoe the game today in hope that it would be a nice day. We got up and ready to go to church and it seemed like this might just work.........

We get to Church and worship starts. This is my favorite part of the service! As someone who sings, this is my praise time to my Lord and when I feel closest to him. I am not paying too much attention to my kids around me thinking they know how to behave, I can luxuriate with my eyes closed and sing my worship. Until I hear my son, talking loudly to another kid, and not caring that I was glaring at him to knock it off. He didn't stop. So I grab his arm and made him come sit beside me, which was in front of this kid.

So my son still not acknowledging what kind of trouble he's in or not caring keeps turning around and talking to this freakin kid! I told him to be quiet and turn around, and then when he turned around again told him that if he didn't smarten up I'd take him to the bathroom to spank him. This still did not deter him, he continued to talk during prayer, although this time it was to me even though I told him to be quiet and listen he talked over me and wanted nothing to do with obeying me, I was ready beat him at this point.  Thank God for sunday school dismissal!

Before worship started he had asked if he could go to this boy's grandmas house after church to play. And at first I had said yes that it would be fine. By the time they were dismissed to go to Sunday school that was now a no, and I had made it clear that he was not going anywhere but home with me after church......

All through the service I was getting these sharp stabbing pains in my head and as much as I agreed with what was being preached, I was in a bad mood. I was frustrated and annoyed and wanted my head to stop hurting and for my kids to have just listened in the first place and for this kid that doesn't seem to know the kind of respect that I was taught church to be, to actually know etc etc....

So Church is now coming to a close and for some reason the kids are coming into the sanctuary while we are trying to pray, and I'm trying to be a part of this prayer for a family that is struggling with health issues and my son walks up to me and starts waving a piece of paper in front of me, so I opened my eyes and just closed them again, Hubby took the paper while I was ignoring him and finally it's all over.

So I went over and said Hello to a family that this was only their second time at the Church and then was bombarded by my little girl and my african princess niece saying aunty can she come to our house today? pleeeeaaasssseee. I said "yes but go ask your mother to make sure it's okay with her." So off we went to ask if it was okay. It was okay.

So it's just about time to leave, where's the boy? we checked downstairs and he was not there. He went to the kids grandmas house even though I said he was not allowed. so off I went to her house to retrieve my son. I asked him "what are you doing?" and he said "I forgot" no, he didn't forget and now was lying to me to get his way. I told him, no you didn't forget you were being sneaky and not listening get your stuff and get in the car. he just kept talking over me again "I just wanted to spend some more time with him" At this point I didn't care what he wanted he was sooooo GROUNDED!!!

I went back to the church to let my daughter and the adults in charge of her at this point that we were leaving and I look closely at my daughter, and the kid has makeup on......I can't even count how many times I have told this child that she is 9 years old and not allowed to wear makeup unless she's in a pageant, it's not for everyday life..... So I said "why are you wearing makeup?" she just looked at me so I repeated myself and she said "I don't know, to look pretty I guess" so I made her go and let everyone know that she was now coming home with the rest of us.

So with one crying and the boy ignoring everyone I dropped them and the hubby at home and decided that I was going to go get a few things at the store. The big girl came with me. We got 2 blocks away and I started to cry and I said to her, why do I even bother? you guys all think that I talk for my own good, that you don't have to listen to me and you go ahead and do whatever it is you please so tell me why I bother when it doesn't make a lick of difference, anyway? "mom it does too" was the response I got and that was it. I cried the rest of the way to the store, got myself together and managed to spend $260 on food after we just did groceries a few days ago. Ah well....Easy come, Easy go.....

*On a side note* After the Service the pastor came to talk to us, hubby and I, and was truly being encouraging to us, and my heart was longing so much to be comforted and I held back tears as he talked to hubby and I. But then he turned to the big girl and started talking to her, he started telling her things that God had already showed me, about her! about what He wanted from and out of her! That was wow. I had to keep looking away to keep myself from crying.... I told her in the store that the pastor speaking to her, was nothing to do with me asking him to talk to her, or talking to him about her or anything at all to do with me. She just looked at me shocked and said "really??"

So needless to say, little people are grounded. I am in here, my room, blogging to try and keep my low levels of patience away from hubby and big girl. And they are watching tv together.

Satan has been working rediculously hard this week at breaking me, and my family....My son and little girl have been enough to make me commit myself. Just being mean and bad and disruptive and today was it. I never leave church angry, and today I did.

I feel as though satan is using my body against me, these headaches, as well as a new set of cysts growing, as well as my kids. How flattering that he's that worried about me and what I can do within the Kingdom that he will cause this much strife in my life......BUT guess what? I don't forget what I have done within the kingdom either and I will do it again, and even more so!

So Right now, I'm going to take some medicine, Pray, and take a nap. I hope that if you have read this that you will now take the time to send up a prayer for me, and my family. Thank You

"This is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it." Psalms 118:24



Why I decided to home school

OK so lets start off with saying, I have always thought home school parent's were total show offs trying to prove to the world that they love their kids more than the rest of us who were not willing, for whatever reason, to put in the time to educate our kid ourselves.

I don't think that anymore, but of course I wouldn't....that would make me a show off right?!?! But seriously I don't think that anymore because I live it, and trust me sometimes I feel as though maybe I'd love my kids more by sending them back to school cause then I wouldn't have to yell at them for fighting or fidgeting or playing with the dog when they are supposed to be doing their math or my son walking up to me while doing math and saying "mom, what's 8+7?" Hoping that I will be distracted enough to just give him the answer instead of making him figure it out for himself!

As much as I say that, I know I yell because I love them, that they are here because I love them. It does not stop me, on those days, from questioning my sanity and wondering if a 72 hour psych hold may be in order for ever thinking that I could do this!

It's HARD! We started our journey mid year so although we signed up with a home schooling school board, we do not qualify for any funding so I am basically flying by the seat of my pants. I would have ideally liked to have started from the get go with a completely laid out curriculum with there being no way I could mess things up! Well what I wanted did not coincide with our budget! Winter is not a good time for us EVER! hubby is a roofer. Roofing and northern Alberta winters so don't mix, unless I wanted to be a widow. So he's working on a new trade, but that's basically starting from the bottom again, not fun! (I feel terribly bad for him, I know he feels like he's letting us down. He takes being the husband and dad so seriously it doesn't surprise me his grey hair went from next to nothing when we met, coming up on 3 years ago, to visibly noticeable now. lol shhh I always say there's nothing... it's not bad, so don't say anything!)

So no set curriculum means I am forever praising God for google and the internet in general! I now spend every night from 9:30 to roughly 1:30 or 2 AM lesson planning and running my business. Finding work sheets, topics of discussion, puzzles etc to coincide with what we will be learning the next day. Then taking orders, answering questions, checking in with my supplier to make sure the orders I just received have all their items in stock, placing the orders all to people who english is their distant second language...... HOW EXHAUSTING!

Remember playing school? I never liked being the teacher, I don't think I even wanted to play all that often, and to be honest at first it kinda felt like that. We were playing school, and it was fun, but once you've committed to this it's not over in a few hours cause you totally have to do it again tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that! It's endless!

Now on to the explanation that comes with my title to this post. Why I decided to home school......

Well let's start here: December 21 2012 at around maybe 4:30-5 in the afternoon came a knock at my door. Imagine my surprise to find 2 police officers standing there, it was freezing and because my eldest had just told me that they would be coming to talk to me, I asked them into my house. They then proceeded to inform me that there had been an allegation made by my daughter (which was all fabricated) to the school that worried them enough to involve child welfare as well as 2 cities RCMP detachments. The RCMP was under the impression that I was aware of this incident and kept looking at me like I was stupid when I just stood there not knowing what to say. After telling them numerous times this was the first I had heard of it they told me that they had closed the investigation as it was unfounded. Merry friggen Christmas!

I was furious! What the heck was going on that my 12 year old is lying to police officers not once but twice?!?! We'd had issues with her lying before, but nothing like this! I'd taken away her cell phone for lying to me about having a "boyfriend" when the house rule is no boyfriends/girlfriends until they are 17 years old (2 different boys, both I found out about), on the door step of graduating high school. (this was before I even contemplated home schooling. although when mad had threatened them with it if they didn't start acting like they had sense in their head and to stop being boy/girl crazy!) This boyfriend crap always bothered me as I stated before I was a mom and wife at 17! That was not going to happen to my kids, NO WAY, NO HOW!

So after thinking about what just happened for a few moments (and sending that kid as far away from me as possible without leaving the house) I got on the phone with my sister who was a part of the fabricated story and let her know what had happened. Here we are 4 days from our family Christmas dinner our first one with my sister's son and now what? I can't reward her for what she's done. but what do you do? It is Christmas......

We (my sister and I) decided that it wasn't too harsh to take Christmas away from her, and once I had then talked to my husband, and my daughters father (to let them in on what had just happened and what was going to happen) I went to talk to her.

I informed her that due to her lack of concern for her family and other people and the possible repercussions that we could be facing in the next while, that she would not be getting Christmas gifts, she would not be going with her younger siblings to her fathers over the break and that she would be staying in her room for the 2 week break, and get your iPod, stereo and E-reader out here cause it's going to be very boring!!!!!

 

 

She didn't say much but I can only imagine what she was thinking, little did I know that I was eventually going to find out EXACTLY what she thought.

 

On Christmas eve the little 2 and I went to a church service (this was my first day seriously back in a church) I knew by the time I left that walking alone in this life OBVIOUSLY wasn't working anymore and that insisting I could do it alone when I didn't need to was just moronic! So I was going back to church and I haven't missed a Sunday since!

 

During the holidays I had a lot of time to think, This school......I put my time and energy into that school and those students, not just my own. My kids were all known through out the school with the oldest being an honors student and star athlete, the middle one being the singing super star and the boy being their brother (he's only in grade 2) kids knew me, teachers knew me and we were friendly and yet, not one person thought to send me a heads up with these things having been said by my daughter, not one person saw fit to allow me to be a parent in that situation and I got to find out by police, who couldn't believe that no one had contacted me!

 

I emailed the principle and the vice principle as my anger was quite high and stated that there needed to be a meeting as soon as their doors were back open and to have the school counsellor on stand by.

 

 

On January 7th my kids went back to school me still not thinking home school, me thinking I'm gonna rip them apart when I go in there, when they finally call me back to set it up that is.......

The vice principle contacted me that day and set up a time on Wednesday for a sit down.

 

 

 

On Tuesday I had decided that in my desire to have a closer walk with God and to change my life and my families foundation to one firmly planted in Christ and his word I was going to start attending the Women's bible study, the first one back since the holidays and we were starting a new series so I wouldn't be behind! SOLD! I was the only one other than the host who showed up LOL I felt kinda dumb at first! To my surprise I was truly blessed by the time we spent together and I told her of my troubles. I had asked her about the "christian" school here and what that denomination truly believed as I was considering changing their school because of all the things that had happened up until that point, and was thinking "depending on how this meeting goes, they may need a new school right away!" and I voiced these concerns. After speaking with her (my new adopted grandma) and a trusted childhood pseudo dad I decided that the "christian" school was not where I wanted my children to be going to school! I said well what am I going to do home school them? I don't think I can do that, I am not smart enough! She took my hand and said "Kate the Lord will give you the wisdom for the things you need to know and the people to surround you for the things you don't know, who will help you." My decision was made.

 

 

 

 

I knew that if I didn't do something now that the road my kids went down could be a very slippery slope in no time flat. I felt like I was starting behind the eight ball because I had been so selfish in not wanting to straighten out my life and get right with God and they were now suffering because even though I raised them to "believe in God" they had no true knowledge of Him, no foundation in Him.

I had to do something drastic, and I believe that the Lord spoke to me through this woman who was a stranger to me, and I knew in my heart it was a done deal. I needed to Trust the Lord to take care of the details, and I was just going to obey what he truly wanted for my family.

 

 

 

 

I went home after bible study and I talked to hubby. I explained how I felt, and why I wanted to do this and he, being very angry himself and the #1 fan of locking up his daughters, was 100% in support of the decision. I explained that there was no way I could send them out into the world that hates Christ and Christians for 6.5 hours a day and think that I was going to make up any of the lost ground I needed to make up with my 3-4 hours a day with them and weekends. Then came the BOMB!!

 

 

 

I had sent hubby down with the Christmas decorations which go under the stairs which to gain access to you must go through the big girls room. On his way back upstairs he noticed a notebook lying open on her bed with a quote about thong underwear and how sexually free women who wear them are?!?!? WHAT THE !@#$%&^&^%$#@#!^%^*. I snatched that book like a fat kid would snatch up the last piece of fried chicken! and now I was on a mission.

 

 

I read every blurb, studied every doodle and got confirmation that once again there was a "boyfriend", That she HATED me, That I was an (expletive)(expletive) she just wanted to run away and that I have ruined her life (because of Christmas, which by the way I did not follow through with one single thing I had said to her because I couldn't know that my eldest daughter, the child who made me a mother, was sitting in her room while her siblings and parents were opening presents, I could not have lived with myself.) Oh the mind of a child, not mature enough to see that the punishment they received was in response to something they did and had they not done said thing there would be no need for said response! DUH!!! Imagine if you will reading that.......I wasn't angry, I had spent my whole adult life and some of my childhood putting them first in everything I did, doing anything and everything I could to give them a better life, and for 4 years did that alone with minimal support from anyone. I just sat there, and handed the book back to hubby.......

 

 

 

 

 

She wants to hate me, for nothing, may as well give her a reason right? There will be no difference in how she feels about me when she finds out that they are going to be home schooled. So into the meeting I went.....

 

 

I walked in and told them "look I'll save you your breath, whatever you're going to say....it doesn't matter. Friday will be their last day as students of "insert school name here" school. I will be home schooling them" The room was silent at first followed by an quick and curt "oh". The thing is People of the world, they never know a good thing when they see it.....they're always looking for more and are completely famous for sabotaging themselves......and that's what they did. THEY were off the hook!! I was ready to leave it be at that and walk away keeping my anger and betrayal buried for them not to see.....but lets talk about why we were supposed to be here anyway.....STUPID!!!!!

 

 





 

 

I have since sent an email to the Superintendent of schools for the public school board, and am hoping to be able to stop something like this from happening again in the future. If the safety of my child, the honors student sports star could be so flagrantly dismissed, imagine the other kids who don't have someone to fight for them.

 

It says in Proverbs 22:6 Teach a child the way he should go, and he will not stray from it, even when he is old. This is Is ME! I was taught better and always knew better and ultimately came right back to where I started. My oldest may not be young and impressionable as much as she would have been had she been younger when I came back but it is NOT too late to teach her, or the other 2, the way they should go!

 

 

 



At the end of the day I AM their mother. God trusted me with the rearing of this, his gift to me. Not the public school system who doesn't allow a Christian child to speak of Christ in a school but will allow any other religion their freedom to worship (this won't ever sit well with me, and will probably end up in a fist fight over it eventually) These 3 beautiful children grew inside my body for 9 months where I kept them safe and loved and nourished. Who is more invested in seeing them succeed than me? Who is willing to sacrifice more for their well being, me? or a stranger paid to do so? Who is going to continue to nourish their soul long into their old age? ME, because I am their mother and because They are the gift I could never quite earn, but I won't give up trying to and won't ever take that gift for granted!

 

 

 

 



 



Are you kidding me...?

I was watching Doctor Phil today on TV and he was with a couple that was in dire need of a smack upside the head! The Husband had cheated on his wife with 78 different women, while she continued to "feed him his dinner, lay out his pyjamas, put toothpaste on his tooth brush along with putting out a little cup of mouth wash" and then proceeded to "make love to him" all while knowing he's had sex with atleast one other woman that day possibly more.

I sat there staring at the TV in total disbelief that this actually happens in the world. What the heck?!?!

So here's my topic for discussion, cheating, abuse, and other relationship killers!

As a 30 year old woman who chose to walk away from the Lord for a long period of time I'll tell you right now I have seen and been party to alot of bad, stupid, crap!

I, after a not so great child hood, became a mom at the tender age of 17. Knowing that this would definetly set me free and get me out of there, it seemed like a good idea at the time. My daughters father and I (he was 20) decided we'd get married and make a go of it. So when most people were graduating from high school (Like I was supposed to of been) I was being a wife and a mother.

This is where my start to my long journey away and then back from/to the Lord started (I won't go into too much detail about this now, but be sure I'll tell you about it another time!)

It's a funny place to be when you no longer hold Christ at your center. Your self worth is the first thing to go. If you're like me, guilt is a good buddy of yours about any and everything, and that is such a destructive and worthless emotion!

So imagine if you will a young girl of 17 married with a baby, no education, no job and reliant on my 20 year old husband. I lost most of my friends which would be an obvious reaction to a teen pregnancy. I started to become a recluse, defined by my little family and believing that I should be so grateful that I didn't have to raise this baby alone. That was when my self worth started to go down the toilet, and man it took almost 13 years to get it back!

The other half of my marriage really didn't have to change much about himself or his life, he still went to work, he still had his friends, other than the fact that he now supported 2 people his life was pretty much the same. Oh how different our worlds were.

I think that he started to think secretly too that I owed him for sticking around, for financially supporting me and our daughter and the year and half he had spent pursuing me, trying to win my heart, was long over. He had me now and I was his.

To be honest for the first few years we didn't argue much, there were only a few huge things that had happened that were significantly memorable in the down turn of our relationship.

In the dawning age of the internet, and chat rooms, I had found friends out there, random people to chat with once and a while, so I'd feel less lonely during the day while the baby napped and my few friends were at school or work. Well with it working to my benefit it was working to his as well, for when I was sleeping. I wasn't a computer whiz, which has always left me to wonder why I was able to stumble across the things I did (because he was), chats and pictures that were definetly not becoming of a married man!

Don't get me wrong, I don't want you to think that I was this push over of a girl. I was loud and mouthy and feisty and would stick up for myself. So words were definetly had! With apologies and promises, I forgave and moved on. I believed that 1 as a christian woman and coming from a multiple times broken home that it was my duty to keep this family together at all costs. and 2 that atleast it wasn't in person or for real, as much as it hurt me, he knew now not to do it again. Silly me!

It wasn't the last time I'd come across things I did not like, or catch the man I loved in lie after lie. I kept on keeping on, the wife I'd never seen growing up. Forgive, turn the other cheek. Move on. until weeks after my second daughter was born.

As much as I understand the pressure that was on his shoulders to support his now 3 girls the fighting started to grow more frequent. I was now 20 years old and had been married for 3 years and had 2 girls that needed me for EVERYTHING so I knew pressure, trust me! We just seemed to handle it differently and after a yelling match in front of the 2 kids (my oldest 3 the youngest a few weeks old and me still very uncomfortable after a very hard labour) I turned my back to get a diaper and got shoved so hard I couldn't breathe, I thought maybe my back was broken. I couldn't believe it! What had just happened?!?! Being no stranger to the hands of abuse I FREAKED and slapped him which received me a punch in the face! I started screaming "you promised me! you promised you'd never put your hands on me!" He cried and begged me to forgive him, and in the end I did.

By the time we were married for 5 years we had had a son, our final child. We also bought a house, just a few months after the boy turned 1, with help from his parents, I guess all in hope that this would make our life better. I know I was miserable, and he had to of been to continue on with other women and not put the time and effort into his wife and children. As you see the fact that I loved him, desired him and would do anything for him didn't overcome his own insecurities, seeking out inappropriate approval from other women became a normal thing for me to stumble across every 6-8 months. How many times I pointed out that I always found out so stop with the lying, all to fall on deaf ears, thinking that "this time I'll be sneakier, she won't find out....this time" All the while more and more of me slowly dying inside. The minimal physical violence towards me and my child was the straw that broke the camels back. It was a fight with me where this time I called the police and there was no turning back. I would NOT be a victim anymore, I would not allow my daughters to think that to be treated like garbage and hurt was normal or my son to think it ok to treat a woman the way I'd allowed myself to be treated their whole lives, all in the name of being a good christian wife (who smoked, swore, didn't go to church, still believed but didn't live it)....this was my logic. Of all the things I could and couldn't do I had to keep my family together even if it killed us all.....how warped!

We have now been divorced for 5 years after 10 years together. This was so hard for me, I begged people to help me fix my marriage, him included. I was never going to divorce, it just wasn't right! God didn't want that, and I wasn't like the family I came from, and I wasn't going to create broken children! I also wasn't going to give all the people who told us we would never last an I told you so! I only got one I told you so, and that in itself is another story....for another day!

Now newly remarried I look back and think man What the heck? But I'll tell you right now I learned SO MUCH! I was just a child, 17 years old not having lived long enough to stop my life from becoming what it did. Now that I am back with the Lord being my center I see things very clearly now and see it all around me now, bringing me back to this couple on Dr Phil.

That Family needs Christ, That husband needs to learn that he needs to love his wife as Christ loves his church! Not destroy the woman he vowed before God to always put before himself and Love. But that woman also needs to learn that God does not under any circumstances expect you to allow yourself to be treated like less than a speck of dirt.

Do you think God would send his only son to die for someone not worth anything? Heck no! What a waste that would be!

Now don't get me wrong I'm not saying hey go out and divorce your spouse cause they've had a bad day and weren't very nice to you. But I am telling you this! If your husband does not place God as number 1 (which if he's abusive in any manner to you, he hasn't) God does not say too bad for you sit there and take it, get beat or mentally abused or emotionally scarred. Yes you can pray and hope that your husband will see the light, as some people would say you should do, but to live there and continue to take a beating. NO.

God expects us to help ourselves, he is not there to do everything for us. You may not have to get divorced. Perhaps for safety you can separate and put space between yourselves, and pray for your husband. In all things pray for God to reveal His will in your life!

Know this, God calls you his daughter (or son as women aren't always the abused) he is THE KING which makes you a Princess (prince) of the most high. It is not ok to be someone's doormat, That is not why God put you on this earth.

Also just so you know, IF there was a way to make my first marriage work, I would have. I don't agree with Divorce and it's not an option in my world under normal circumstances. With that being said I believe that all of these things needed to happen to bring me to my knees and to cry out to God in earnest, and to recommit my life to Him. My life would not have taken the downward spiral it did when everything I had known since I was 16 was now gone at 26 and I had to raise 3 kids by myself.  I don't believe that I'd have been able to come back to the Lord. I would have remained hardened to His love and the ways he wanted me to go, had I stayed with my ex husband. Being with my current (and only/last) husband, has given me support I haven't known since I don't even remember when. He has been such a champion for me and although it's all new to him he wants to learn.

Sometimes we get in our own way, But I believe that once we surrender ourselves to God's will, All the junk we've accumulated due to our bad choices God makes right, and puts us back on the right path. I believe that God saw me try so very hard to honor my vows despite the terrible things. I believe that he knows my sorrow in the dissolving of that family, and my desire to be forgiven for not being stronger, or able to magically fix things, and I am now where I am supposed to be because He knows my heart, and has forgiven me and like the loving father that he is, showed me the right path that I need to get back on to!