Today after a great day of bible study, home-schooling and music lessons While I was putting dinner in the oven I founnd myself looking back on the last 13 years of my "career" as a mother.
Right from the start I've had people in my life who felt the need to point out how they would be or are a better parent than I am. They would over look the earth shattering love for my childern to nit pick at... the things I did/didn't do.
ANYONE who knows me knows 2 things, 1 that it is a given that I would die for my kids, without question or hesitation, and 2 the only way to truly hurt me is by telling me that I am a bad mom.
After all the terrible discusting things I've been through in my life, they were and still are everyday the best thing I've ever done, the most beautiful part of my life and my reward for something I don't think I could ever earn, and YET I allowed those negative, hurtful people to cause me to question wether or not I actually was a good mom!?!
I struggled for years with depression, heart wrenching, hollow insides, hate myself depression, my only reason for breathing my children. I also have suffered for approximately 10 years with fibromyalgia, which limits me to things I can and can't do, but more so in the last 2-3 years. I've also been told I have precancer cells more than once, which believe me get's old! All of which I was alone in, I didn't have support, I had people pointing out what a failure those things were (Until my fantastic husband of course) to my children.
I'm going to get to my point right quick here just bear with me. So I was thinking today what a huge transformation, within my family, has taken place in the last 2 months. More so the last 2-3 weeks. I came to realize that the hurt and hate and hollowness the doubt I so easily felt in myself was because I didn't have Christ in my life. Because today I thought to myself, "self....you still have fibro and chronic fatigue. You still have issues in your body that restricted you before, YET look at the things around you! Look at all the Lord has given you the strength to do!" (Phillipians 4:13)
My kids don't fight non stop anymore, I spend time with them and I enjoy it immensely where before there were days I dreaded the things they needed me to do, even conversations were hard at times. They are truly happy like I've never seen. I pulled my kids out of a school that I stayed in this miserable town for, to then find a church to stay for and to do something I NEVER in a million years would think someone with fibro, Chronic fatigue, and frequent migraines could do....Teach 3 children!?! I have been going non stop and had them with me more often than not and I'm not rippping my hair out and it's not white like I thought it may very well end up being very quickly after our decision to completely follow Christ's desires for our family and to home school them.
My point is this. My love was never enough to clean up the mess that was my life. I loved my kids more than anything but that didn't erase all the pain inside me. My Love was never enough but The love of God, of Jesus, The immense Love that was proven and continues to be proven, THAT my friends most certainly is and always will be enough (John 3:16)
I brought my mess to the foot of the cross, having known better all along, knowing that all that mess was my own doing. Decisions I made, YET Jesus took it all, all that mess, all the garbage and traded me. He filled up the hollowness, he gave me love and acceptance and not once pointed out how badly I've failed, as a daughter to Him who has always been faithful, keeping me safe in the stupid positions I'd place myself in when I truly didn't care if I lived or died. He gave me a fresh start even though I didn't deserve it. Even though I had done such stupid things, even though I had known his love and chose to walk away from it time and again. I still look back and think, "DUH! what were you thinking?"
Right from the start I've had people in my life who felt the need to point out how they would be or are a better parent than I am. They would over look the earth shattering love for my childern to nit pick at... the things I did/didn't do.
ANYONE who knows me knows 2 things, 1 that it is a given that I would die for my kids, without question or hesitation, and 2 the only way to truly hurt me is by telling me that I am a bad mom.
After all the terrible discusting things I've been through in my life, they were and still are everyday the best thing I've ever done, the most beautiful part of my life and my reward for something I don't think I could ever earn, and YET I allowed those negative, hurtful people to cause me to question wether or not I actually was a good mom!?!
I struggled for years with depression, heart wrenching, hollow insides, hate myself depression, my only reason for breathing my children. I also have suffered for approximately 10 years with fibromyalgia, which limits me to things I can and can't do, but more so in the last 2-3 years. I've also been told I have precancer cells more than once, which believe me get's old! All of which I was alone in, I didn't have support, I had people pointing out what a failure those things were (Until my fantastic husband of course) to my children.
I'm going to get to my point right quick here just bear with me. So I was thinking today what a huge transformation, within my family, has taken place in the last 2 months. More so the last 2-3 weeks. I came to realize that the hurt and hate and hollowness the doubt I so easily felt in myself was because I didn't have Christ in my life. Because today I thought to myself, "self....you still have fibro and chronic fatigue. You still have issues in your body that restricted you before, YET look at the things around you! Look at all the Lord has given you the strength to do!" (Phillipians 4:13)
My kids don't fight non stop anymore, I spend time with them and I enjoy it immensely where before there were days I dreaded the things they needed me to do, even conversations were hard at times. They are truly happy like I've never seen. I pulled my kids out of a school that I stayed in this miserable town for, to then find a church to stay for and to do something I NEVER in a million years would think someone with fibro, Chronic fatigue, and frequent migraines could do....Teach 3 children!?! I have been going non stop and had them with me more often than not and I'm not rippping my hair out and it's not white like I thought it may very well end up being very quickly after our decision to completely follow Christ's desires for our family and to home school them.
My point is this. My love was never enough to clean up the mess that was my life. I loved my kids more than anything but that didn't erase all the pain inside me. My Love was never enough but The love of God, of Jesus, The immense Love that was proven and continues to be proven, THAT my friends most certainly is and always will be enough (John 3:16)
I brought my mess to the foot of the cross, having known better all along, knowing that all that mess was my own doing. Decisions I made, YET Jesus took it all, all that mess, all the garbage and traded me. He filled up the hollowness, he gave me love and acceptance and not once pointed out how badly I've failed, as a daughter to Him who has always been faithful, keeping me safe in the stupid positions I'd place myself in when I truly didn't care if I lived or died. He gave me a fresh start even though I didn't deserve it. Even though I had done such stupid things, even though I had known his love and chose to walk away from it time and again. I still look back and think, "DUH! what were you thinking?"
Jesus says there is not one thing you can confess that I can't forgive. There's not one thing in your life that you have done that hasn't already been paid the ultimate price for. Not one thing that you can tell me that will make me LOVE you less! Jesus made sure that we would always have access to the heavenly Father by giving his very life for us. What love and grace! Who do you know right now who can say that to you and mean it? If I, someone who has known almost my whole life, the love of God, can walk way and still be welcomed home by my Father, you can be too! I encourage you to renew and strengthen your realtionship with your Father if you have one, If not please let me pray for/with you and introduce you to your Father the King!
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