Broken and Lost little girl.

You know when people start a story with "back when I was a kid...." and you picture them as a little kid and the story plays out. Sometimes what you picture and what is real is a very different story.

I say when I was a kid but, I mean physically a kid because I don't ever truly remember a time where some form of responsibility wasn't placed on my shoulders. My mom was a single mom having left my birth father for good when I was 18 months old (from what I'm told) I don't remember being two, but I remember stuff from being three. My mom dated and I remember a few of the guys. I remember one who looked similar to my uncle Dan, (from what I remembered as he lived in the states and wasn't around much) I remembered one who looked just like Alex Trebec from Jeopardy, and I remember my sister's dad.

I remember always knowing that that wasn't my dad, and I remember even they saying make sure you take care of your mom. From the time of 3 it was drilled into my head that I was supposed to take care of my mother (not the other way around oddly) and soon I was taking care of an ever growing bellied mom. My sister was on her way!

My sister was known to all as "our baby" (mine and my mom's) before she was born. If people didn't know better and the way I was regarding her you'd think I put her there myself. I was taught right away that it was my job to be a good big sister and take care of the baby. (my mom didn't know it was a girl, but I did!)

So now at 4 years old I had two people to take care of because that was my job. I loved that furry little baby like nothing else, even though I did stupid stuff like dump a cup of cold water on her to see what she'd do while we were playing in my bedroom. (she was sitting in her car seat watching me play really)

I look back. No dad, and the role as care giver placed on me. I don't wonder why I am the way I am, I get it BUT it still shocks the crap out of me that people that claim to know me don't get it.

I have spent my whole life looking for somewhere to belong. Some where that I didn't have to always be the strong one, some where I could go that I could be the kid and not the parent, that I had someone love me unconditionally and have "parents" that I could rely on no matter what. I'm 31 now......

When I was 17 and got married I truly looked forward to getting in-laws. Finally I'd have a family that I could belong to.......OR NOT.....

I would have been a daddy's girl had I been given the opportunity, and I was excited about my father in law to be. I also always wanted an older sister and although I had my step sisters they were both on their way out of Alberta in a hurry, and of course A mom. you can't even understand..... Unfortunately this was not to be the case. I wasn't accepted, loved or respected, I was just the gold digger 17 year old looking for a free ride through life that trapped my then husband and ruined his life.

Alright then. I've tried to fit in to friends family's and get their mom's to love me like them, not gonna happen. I've tried to make my own family from people I love, but that too just proves how much I mean family and most others don't.

I've married again and although I love my in-laws to death (fantastic people truly) they are a different kind of people than me. I can still see them squirm under my I love you's LOL.

If you've never been from a broken home you'll have no idea on how to identify with what I struggle with even now. 31 years old and I still long to have a mom who wants to take care of me for once. (not that I need taking care of, but just to know it was available)

Please understand that I take comfort in my Heavenly Father, His love is what has truly gotten me through the small earthly presence I've had off and on through my life in the parent department. With that being said, when you fall, or you have your heart shattered, or you're sick, you long for more than the solace of a spiritual Father. You want someone to hold your hand when you're scared, or kiss your owie better, something physical, someone you can physically see. Maybe that makes me a bad Christian. I don't know, God's not finished with me yet.

I don't know if my sister fights with this same issue, I tried my best to fill in the gaps of a mom for her while she was growing up, I was however, not her mother, I was only her sister. Maybe she does feel this, I'm not sure but my sister has always been a lot harder than me. She doesn't let things get to her, or at least doesn't let it show. I know she carries her own broken little girl in her some where too. I hope that I was a help to that little girl because I knew what it was like.

I've been having a hard time lately with the expectations I place on others. I find it extremely hard when people do not value our relationship as much as I do. (this happens ALLLLLLLL the time.) And I'm not sure what to do about it. I only know how to love you 110% or none. People and their 50% investment drive me bananas! My husband gets mad all the time cause I just want to stay at home in my bed left alone. But why keep putting myself out there giving when it leaves me with a deficit? Why is it hard to see how much disappointment I'm constantly pasting my fake smile over? Why is it so hard for people to be as good of a friend, to you, as you are to them?

I need a cupcake :(